Oooh! Pretty Shiny Thing!

One huge plus to running: I do it in pretty shoes! 

I had a pretty big epiphany this past weekend.  

I’ve spent a lot of time running.  

I really wish I meant physically running- though if you’ve been reading my blog, you may have picked up that running is an extremely recent thing for me, something I hated so much I put it on a 20 year hold due to an extremely strict high school PE program that forced me to run a 15k (for the Americans, that translates to 9.32 miles) in order to graduate my freshman year (The scars!  Oh the scars!)

I mean, running from my life.

Let me take you on a quick little trip down memory lane: Hawaii to Boston to Denver to Boulder to Washington DC to New York to Santa Monica to Manhattan Beach to New York to Newport Beach.

Just writing that made me dizzy. 

The Magnificent Marketer in me says: Wow, that’s adventurous!  And that’s true.  I’ve led a pretty amazing life, filled with all kinds of fun shark/blizzard/yacht/celebrity stories.  

But the Truth Seeker in me says: You didn’t think that was working, so you left.   Wait a minute, that’s not really working either so let’s leave again.  Uh oh that’s still not working, let’s try this.  Or maybe this… 

The truth is, I’m a World Champion at Distraction. 

I have quite a few tools under my belt.  Some of my favorites: iPhone, food, alcohol, sex.

Over the years, I’ve become really good at using my tools all the time. 

But my approach is changing.  

I’ve finally slowed down.  I’m sitting still.  I’m dealing with it. 

And it kinda sucks.  

I wish I could tell you it didn’t, that I love feeling feelings and dealing with my $h*t.  But the truth is, it’s painfully hard work to deal with past hurt, grief, and loss that I've been a master at hiding.  

I'll tell you though, the rewards far outweigh the pain.  

A huge benefit for me is actually knowing and being me.  (Turns out, I like me.  I think I’m kinda neat).

And most importantly, without all this noise, I’ve discovered a much deeper, richer, fulfilling relationship with my Creator. 

Pain removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul.  - C.S. Lewis

I am not a theologian or a scholar, but I am very aware of the fact that pain is necessary to all of us. In my own life, I think I can honestly say that out of the deepest pain has come the strongest conviction of the presence of God and the love of God.  - Elizabeth Elliot

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18 

I'm Terrible At This

Gosh I loooooooove this place. 

This past weekend was busy.  And chock full of really awesome choices.

It started with an impromptu bbq at a friends house on Friday.  I said I’d “drop by” and promised myself I’d have just 1 glass of wine because I had a run in the morning (I finish one half marathon, and now I think I’m a runner). 

Famous Last Words. 

A bottle of wine and many many hours later, with just a few hours sleep, I woke up to run a 5k.

You can probably imagine my mantra during this run: Don’t throw up.  Don’t throw up. 

Immediately following the run, I rushed home to shower and change to join a friend for the long drive up to West Hollywood for a baby shower.  Fun girl talk, cake and presents later, we then slowly inched home (101, I curse you) where I immediately met friends to watch the Kings game at a bar (apparently there is a sport called “hockey” on right now).  More fun chatting, cheering, and some drinks later, I finally got home, and promptly collapsed into bed. 

I was exhausted come Sunday morning.  But I promised a friend I’d go to church, followed by brunch.  And then I decided to do this:

Sit on my couch for 5 hours watching Game of Thrones.  (Spoiler Alert: Everyone DIES.) 

So, you know, I observed the Sabbath.  A-hem. 

Was this because I had nothing else to do?  Not exactly.  

Among the 137 things on my To Do list: 

• study for a final exam (which I miraculously passed)
• 4 loads of laundry (including something urgent and smelly)
• return 13 voicemails (I seriously hate voicemails, sorry Mom)
• shop for real food (dinner was salsa and a frozen chicken patty- super creative or just plain weird?)

As I pondered the end of my opposite-of-busy day, I thought: 

You make really bad decisions.  Do you have any idea what you're doing?

Sometimes this thought pervades all others: I’m terrible at this, at life.  

And then I took that thought and tossed it.  

The thing is, I know I'm making slow progress, taking life one day at a time.    

Sometimes it's ok to be, and not do (when a friend first shared this with me, I remember thinking: Aww, that's so cute.  I'm a doer, you see. But she couldn't be more right).  

And I'll bet this is true: no one really, truly has everything figured out.  

But thank goodness there's a God who does.    

But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.  Matthew 10:30

Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.  Psalm 147:5

Wanna Hear a Crazy Dating Story?

I was in such deep thought staring at the ceiling of
this Botanical Garden that I almost ran into a field trip
full of little kids.  This has nothing to do with anything.  
I just thought it was cool.

I had such an interesting experience recently that it made me want to share something kinda personal that I don’t normally talk about:

Dating.  

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you probably just spit out your coffee.  It’s true that I share a lot of raw things.  But this topic has been really difficult for me to write about.  Partially because I have a hard time believing some of the downright wacky things that have happened.  Like this little adventure from last week:

I had a fun date with a nice, funny, smart, successful, good-looking guy.  So for our second date, he asked me to join him for dinner.  At his house.  

In his hot tub. 

Because, if you want to get to know someone better, you should do that in a hot tub.  (No judgement if you’re wondering what the heck is the problem here?  I’m just not a hot-tub-on-the-second-date-kinda-girl).

Not knowing him very well, I wasn’t comfortable with this, and instead suggested that we meet at a restaurant.  

And that’s when things took a rather interesting turn. 

Little did I know what I would unleash: Crazy Angry Hot Tub Guy.  

I will spare you the ridiculousness, but in a nutshell: he became enraged.  To put it mildly. 

I’m really grateful this was all captured via text because seriously, I just can’t make this stuff up.  Also because I will be making a movie out of this. 

As hurt as I was by the exchange, this incident highlighted a theme that I’ve been seeing over and over and over lately.   

We’re all broken.  So very, very broken. 

I’ve been working on trying to see people, especially when dating, through a different lens: with love and compassion.  (This is a huge departure, I might add, from my they're-all-a-holes-I'm-joining-a-nunnery mentality). 

While it was really difficult for me to see Hot Tub Guy with love and compassion at the time, I've realized that at the end of the day, we’re all hurting, wounded, walking messes.  Me included. (This may shock you, but I have quite a few issues myself). 

The good news is, we’re all in this together. 

I’m so grateful for a friend who actually read through the entire text exchange in real time, offering advice and sympathy.  For a friend who came over with dinner (!) immediately after work to patiently listen to me share my stupid story. For a friend who checked up on me repeatedly to make sure I was ok. 

Most importantly, I’m grateful to Him for being a God who loves and forgives our brokenness, heals our wounds, and is always there to comfort us. 

Nothing God allows you to go through is pointless. Even in the midst of hurt, He will work good for you: now and in the future. He still has a grand plan for you!  - Lysa TerKeurst

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  - Psalm 147:3

So Maybe I'm Not the Best Role Model...

I love wine. That is all.

I had a fun and fabulous lunch with a fun and fabulous fellow PK (Pastor's Kid) over the weekend. (Side note: I need to start a PK Club.  We are truly a special bunch of special people). 

For three hours, over a bottle of wine, we laughed, we cried.  But mostly, we laughed—hysterically—much to the entertainment of other diners.  

What did we laugh about? Mostly this:

That we both tried so hard for many, many years to live up to being the Perfect Little Christian Girls we thought we should be.

Then we Let It Go. Maybe a bit too much, as PK’s often do. 

Now we’re back.  And we’re trying to figure it all out. 

I’m slightly concerned that some of my behavior may not be perceived as very Christian role model-y.

Because, you know...

I like to drink.
I’m divorced. 
I swear. 
I have a tattoo.

And the list goes on and on. 

I was telling my friend that lately, I’ve tried very hard to work on treating everyone with love and compassion.  

She agreed, but quickly added, “and Grace.  Don’t forget about Grace.” 

Grace- this soft, light, beautiful word- was a wonderful reminder to me.  

Now please don’t get me wrong: I don’t see Grace as a Free Pass to do whatever the heck I want.  

But the fact that it’s always there is such a relief.  And a gift. 

Because sometimes- just sometimes- I mess up.  

That's when I get to turn to God for his Grace.  Over and over and over.

I struggled with how to best end this post.  Because I struggle with what it means to be a fun, cool, normal Christian.  

Here's what I got:

I'm learning to be gentle on myself, because I'm doing the best I can.  

And that's enough.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

The 10 Most Important Life Rules

I'm the Best Aunt Ever.  Not only do they know how to eat peanut
butter out of the jar, and lick cupcake batter from the spatula,
they now know how to take Selfies! Hooray!

I love celebrating my birthday, and this year was no exception.  Something magical (read: scary) happens and I turn into a wide-eyed, playful little kid.  

I seriously-no-joke-scout’s-honor threw myself a Pretty Pink Princess Party last weekend, which may have included wearing princess crowns while eating cookies and watching chick flicks.

Celebrating in one city wasn’t enough, so I then made my way down to San Diego to spend some time with my impossibly adorable nieces.  I LOVE my nieces, but my adoration kicked into overdrive after this conversation:

Alyssa, age 3: Kalei, how old are you gonna be?
Me: Guess.
Alyssa: (confused look) Like, 24?
Ella, age 5: or 29?

God bless these beautiful children. 

The truth is, I just turned 37. I share this because I feel pretty darn good about it, and oddly, 37 has always been a lucky number for me (it’s a long and stupid story).  

I just have this feeling that this year will be a Big Year for me in many ways.  So I’ve been thinking about how I want to live this year differently, and with intention.  

So I created a To Do list (I like lists).   

Here My 10 Most Important Life Rules:

1. Be present.  God is giving you little lessons all the time.  Look for them.
2. Be real.  But don’t confuse honesty with being an a-hole.
3. Be kind.  Especially to yourself.  
4. Be loving.  Especially the ones who are hard to love. 
5. Don’t judge.  Especially the ones you think you know—you don’t. 
6. Serve. This is the best way to get out of your head and use your heart.
7. Take risks and make mistakes.  Learn from them. 
8. Make good choices.  In your health, career, and love. 
9. It’s all gonna be ok.  Trust.
10. Seek God.  With all your heart, mind and soul.

There are so many sayings that in my wise old age, I can now honestly say, I get it.  Something I've always said but now fully believe: Everything happens for a reason.  It's not just a pat response to things I don’t understand.  God has a wonderful plan for me, and there may be times (many, many times) when I don't understand why something is happening, but I trust wholeheartedly that it's part of My Plan.  

These last few years have been quite a roller coaster- so many ups and downs.  Sometimes I was brave, and sometimes I wasn't. Sometimes I faced adversity with a smile, sometimes with tears.  But as I sit here, unsure of what the future holds, I have such a peace that it’ll be ok.  And that it's ok right now, too. 

Life is a crazy ride. And I’m all in. 

You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:13

"Well, yeah, that's your biggest problem..."

I’ve been trying to write a book for, oh, 6 months now.  

After making a promise to a big group of people that I would finish this book in 2 months (word of advice: don’t do that, ever), I started off completely motivated.  In fact, I furiously typed 10 pages in 2 days.  Then I stopped to read it.  And promptly trashed it.   

While my book idea seemed genius (Write about Kenya! All that stuff you learned! Share pictures of adorable kids and giraffes!), I wasn’t feeling it.  I forced it, and as a result, my writing was truly horrifying (“And then we went to the slums.  It was sad.  So sad.” Barf). 

After booting Book #1, I had another great idea: Book #2!  This is The One, I told myself.  This is what I’m meant to write.  So I wrote with a vengeance.  And I’m not gonna lie, it’s good stuff.  And then I stopped.  Again.

I realized yesterday why I’m stuck.   

I’m missing the Happy Ending.  

I have the Once upon a time, but I don’t have the And then she lived happily ever after.  

I don’t have the guy, the kids, the house with the white picket fence, the career that makes me so giddy I can’t wait to jump out of bed.  And I tend to focus on this just a teensy bit (ok, a lot). 

I shared this revelation with my friend Amy “Tough Love” Contreras.  She responded with, 

Well, yeah Kalei, that’s your biggest problem. You’re not happy right now.  You think you’ll only be happy when you have all that stuff.

Ouch.

I recently finished The Gifts of Imperfection (love) by Brene Brown (double love), and was mesmerized by this passage:

The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute.  Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites.  So many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of prerequisites:

• I’ll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds.
• I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
• I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
• I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent.
• I’ll be worthy when I can make a living selling my art.
• I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.
• I’ll be worthy when I make partner. 
• I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.
• I’ll be worthy when he calls back and asks me out.
• I’ll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I’m not even trying. 

Here’s what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now.  Not if. Not when.  We are worthy of love and belonging now.  Right this minute.  As is.

I don’t want to wait.

So I’m making an effort to feel worthy and happy right now.  

Which brings me back to Book #2. I’ve started to write again.  

This time, instead of wondering (ok, obsessing) about the ending, I’m focusing on the messy-painful-frustrating-joyful-hilarious-beauty of the journey. 

I wholeheartedly trust that God has a great plan for me, that everything I’ve been through is for a reason.  

Even if I can’t see the finish line quite yet.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

What the Heck Was I Thinking?!

Selfie time!  Yay for awesome friends!
(This is clearly the Before picture.  I did not look like this 13 miles later). 

Well that was dumb. 

This is was my first thought when I clicked REGISTER for my first ever Half Marathon.  But then I did something even dumber: I decided to share the wonderful news on Facebook.  And everyone knows, once it’s on Facebook, it’s official.  

So I started training.

I followed my workout schedule.  (But maybe I don’t need to follow it exactly because this is my first one!)

I traveled a lot but worked out diligently in the hotel gyms (But maybe I’m kinda cold and I can just run in place in my room!) 

I stopped drinking (But maybe I had a glass of wine here and there!  And maybe by a glass I mean a bottle!)

I ate healthy and when I craved sweets, ate carrot sticks (But maybe by carrot sticks I mean chocolate chip cookie dough!) 

So my training didn’t work out as perfectly as I had hoped.  And as the race loomed closer, I started getting a teensy bit nervous (by nervous I mean totally freaked out).  I kid-you-not thought it was possible that I might die. 

And then something miraculous happened. 

During one of the last week’s of my training, I had to run 10 miles.  Normally I would run with my gym’s running club.  However, our coach was out of town so I would have to do this on my own.

And I know me.  If left to my own devices, I’d end up walking, or worse, cheating. 

So I asked for help from my friend Becca, a 10-miles-is-my-warm-up kind of runner.  Becca not only ran with me, she smiled, laughed and encouraged me the entire time (all while texting.  Did I mention she has superpowers?)  

You’re doing so great! Look how relaxed you are! You’ve totally got this!

Until I saw 10 MILES logged on my little runner watch, I honestly wasn’t sure I could do it.  Something clicked at the end of that run.  All of a sudden, I realized that no, I would not die, and yes, I’ve got this.  I’ve totally freaking got this. 

I learned two valuable lessons:

1. Surround yourself with awesome people—those that believe in you, especially when you don’t.
2. Believe Believe Believe!  Here’s a shocker: telling myself I was going to die wasn’t helping.  Choosing positive, encouraging thoughts made me realize I could do it.  

Now that I’ve completed one, my runner friends are encouraging me to do more.  (Sidenote: I used to think all runners were crazy but now I kinda get it.  Kinda).  I don’t know if I'll run another one, but I do know this:  

I can do it.

I won't be alone. 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10