I Was A Little Nuttzo

This nut butter accurately sums up my past
behavior- it was a little nuttzo. Ha!
But seriously, this stuff is delicious.

For many years, I was on a tireless quest for the perfect EVERYTHING—career, marriage, house, life.  But I especially applied this relentless pursuit of perfection to my body. 

The good news is, I’ve made some HUGE progress in how I approach the loaded topic of weight loss.

It’s true that many of the times when I would punish myself by under-eating (lunch is 10 baby carrots!) and over-exercising (followed by a 3 mile run!), I didn’t even need to lose weight.  But that’s not what I advised myself.

What I was told: But you look so great!

What I actually heard: Blah blah blah!

In fact, I’ll give you a fun little glance into the utter madness that used to run through my head:

OHMYGOSH!!!!! These jeans are too tight!  I’m FAT!  So so so so fat! 

It’s. Time. To. Panic.  Commencing Operation FREAK OUT:

1. 5 day juice cleanse

2. Morning runs, nightly back-to-back spin classes

3. Diet pills and/or laxatives

4. Drink enough water so you run to the bathroom every 10 minutes

And, don’t forget, most important of all: Keep telling yourself how fat you are.

Yikes. 

I look back at this wacky behavior, and I want to give myself a hug.  What saddens me more than my Wild and Crazy Diet Extravaganza (Isn't that such a fun word? Oh darling, it's not a party, it's an Extravaganza!), is how awful I was to myself.   

This self-loathing, the complete obsession with being thin—how sad it must have made the one who created me.

I’ve been slowly learning to change the tape.  To stop talking to myself in such a hurtful way, and to instead show me some love.   To give myself some friggin grace.

So it was fitting when I came across a reminder from The Daniel Plan today:

This is a journey woven with grace and pace. Be gentle with yourself. God’s grace is always there, even when you are tired or tempted. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. Isaiah 40:31

I still have my moments. But I'm learning to rest continually in God’s infinite love and grace.