"Well, yeah, that's your biggest problem..."

I’ve been trying to write a book for, oh, 6 months now.  

After making a promise to a big group of people that I would finish this book in 2 months (word of advice: don’t do that, ever), I started off completely motivated.  In fact, I furiously typed 10 pages in 2 days.  Then I stopped to read it.  And promptly trashed it.   

While my book idea seemed genius (Write about Kenya! All that stuff you learned! Share pictures of adorable kids and giraffes!), I wasn’t feeling it.  I forced it, and as a result, my writing was truly horrifying (“And then we went to the slums.  It was sad.  So sad.” Barf). 

After booting Book #1, I had another great idea: Book #2!  This is The One, I told myself.  This is what I’m meant to write.  So I wrote with a vengeance.  And I’m not gonna lie, it’s good stuff.  And then I stopped.  Again.

I realized yesterday why I’m stuck.   

I’m missing the Happy Ending.  

I have the Once upon a time, but I don’t have the And then she lived happily ever after.  

I don’t have the guy, the kids, the house with the white picket fence, the career that makes me so giddy I can’t wait to jump out of bed.  And I tend to focus on this just a teensy bit (ok, a lot). 

I shared this revelation with my friend Amy “Tough Love” Contreras.  She responded with, 

Well, yeah Kalei, that’s your biggest problem. You’re not happy right now.  You think you’ll only be happy when you have all that stuff.

Ouch.

I recently finished The Gifts of Imperfection (love) by Brene Brown (double love), and was mesmerized by this passage:

The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute.  Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites.  So many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of prerequisites:

• I’ll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds.
• I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
• I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
• I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent.
• I’ll be worthy when I can make a living selling my art.
• I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.
• I’ll be worthy when I make partner. 
• I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.
• I’ll be worthy when he calls back and asks me out.
• I’ll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I’m not even trying. 

Here’s what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now.  Not if. Not when.  We are worthy of love and belonging now.  Right this minute.  As is.

I don’t want to wait.

So I’m making an effort to feel worthy and happy right now.  

Which brings me back to Book #2. I’ve started to write again.  

This time, instead of wondering (ok, obsessing) about the ending, I’m focusing on the messy-painful-frustrating-joyful-hilarious-beauty of the journey. 

I wholeheartedly trust that God has a great plan for me, that everything I’ve been through is for a reason.  

Even if I can’t see the finish line quite yet.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28